30th October
Yea, I know ....... I have not written for months and it is almost the end of October.  Well tough,  I cannot be bothered writing much.  Well that is all for today.  Cya.

Actually, a friend sent me a email a few weeks ago, and has graciously given me permission to print them here ... happy reading:
 

Nick ~
I feel kind of weird writing you... since I have never written you personally
before.  I hope that it is OK.  Hmmmmm... I'm wondering if you even know who I
am.  It's "me", ........  from Notion Ocean and Global neighbors.  *Hi* :)

OK...so why on earth am I writing you.  Well, last spring I read your
journal.  And I was so touched by it.  I connected with much of what you were
talking about...in regard to your grandma...cause I was having those same
feelings about my own grandma.  She passed away a year ago last February.  I
found myself missing her so much.  And, well...you were saying much of what I
was feeling.

And then there was the openness about the hurt you were feeling with K.
(sp?).  I can relate to those feelings...even though the circumstances are
completely different.  You know, the thing about love is that if it works
it's a great and wonderful thing.  And if it doesn't?  Well, it hurts like
nothing else ever will...but I think that it's still a great and wonderful
thing.  Perhaps the key is to slowly dwell on all of the good and wonderful
about it...immerse yourself in those thoughts instead of what's "not"
anymore.

Well, my point here surely isn't to try to convince you to not feel those
things anymore...or even to offer you a magic cure for the hurt.  Cause I
don't have anything like that.  But I can tell you this...for every bad and
horrible thing that has ever happened to me, I've eventually been able to
look back and find the good.  There's always good...and sometimes even a
couple of lessons.  Sometimes it's harder to find the good because the hurt
is so intense.  But after a while I promise you that it's there:)

I sense from many of your journal entries that you take things very
personally.  If, for example, I was to tell you something that was causing me
pain right now...it may be very likely that you would take some of that pain
on yourself.  You know what I mean?  Perhaps to "lighten the load" for me.
And if not me...cause you don't know me at all...then for those who are
around you.  I understand this as well...cause I do the very same thing!

In fact, I'm thinking that I may have said this very thing to you
already...although I truly can't remember writing to you personally.  Perhaps
I posted it on one of the lists.  Anyway, I love helping people.  And loving
them.  For whatever they are...or trying to become.  I guess, in some way,
I've decided that it's my "job" to save the world.  Well, of course that
isn't possible.  But oh my gosh!...if I only had that power:)  Anyway, I used
to get so disappointed cause these people would come to me for advice.  I try
very hard to not tell people what to do...remembering that what's right or
good for me isn't necessarily right or good for the next guy.  But you know
what?  I found myself constantly disappointed and almost consumed with these
peoples problems, struggles or problems.

Then it occurred to me that, while I can continue doing what I do best...and
that is just sincerely caring and loving the people in my world and whose
paths cross mine...I cannot place my expectations on them.  I started
accepting people for who they are.  Not taking on their problems...cause I
certainly have enough of my own.  And not letting people take advantage of
me.  That doesn't mean that I listen less, or love less or anything else.  It
just means that I don't let them consume me.  I don't know...I'm having a
hard time articulating and getting this out.  Hopefully it makes some sort of
sense.

I think that you are probably a very spiritual person.  I dont' know
that...but I feel that.  And I would actually rather enjoy a conversation
about that sometime...spirituality, religion and God. Not a debate mind
you...but I think that you have some wisdom that I would love for you to
share.  And, I think that you have accomplished so much...academically yes.
But I think that you have accomplished much just by being the caring person
that you seem to be.  And I know that you will find love.  Don't try so hard.
 Let it happen...and when it's the right time, it will find it's way to you
with the right person.

And finally, just know that there is one person clear across the world that
thinks about you a lot.  And prays for you as well.

*Hugs*
 

31st October
Well, the last day of the month and I am studying for finals ... hoping to graduate on December 16th ... hoping is the word.  My internals are like 32/50; 35/50; 46/50 and 47/50 ... so I should pass two of my exams anyways.

I have net an incredible person .... well many, but one is especially special.  I am not going to say who, or even mention their gender ... but they are coming down to visit me in december, and if things go as well as I am hoping they will, then I will have some news.

I was wondering if I should make a comment about what I have done since I wrote my last page, but I can't really be bothered - I will let u use our imagination

1st November
Well it is 8:40pm on Nov. 1st and Mum is yacking to Be (yea she is still in the UK).  Well I did more study today ... and went into town and got 2 pairs of shoes ... yes u did read that right - 2.  To those who do not know me this might not seem very surprising, but normally I have one until they literally get a hole in them and then I buy another ....

I have also rediscovered some great friends over the last week.  One sent me a pic of her recently born baby, with the words 'Hi ... do you remember me!!".... well ... I was relieved when I discovered whop the person was (never connected her online and real name b4). Have reconnected with a very dear friend in Auckland, a great mate in Australia and ummm - a good friend in the UK/USA ...

Yet again we have a possum in our ceiling, and I just hope it doesn't full through the plaster ceilings.

Well I am so excited with an anticipated visit in December - I am so looking forward to meeting this certain person ... my heart warms when I think of her name :)  Who is it??  Well, not telling.

4th November
Hmmm ... I am buggered.  I have sat my 3rd exam today .... last one on tuesday ... all going well I will graduate on 16th December with a B.A. in Community and Family Studies.  I already have a Dip. Grad. I have no idea how I did ... but a guess I recon my final marks will be around 316=C (internals were 32/50); 318=C to a C+(internals were 35.75/50) and 319= B - B+(internals were 46/50).  214(internals were 46.5/50) , well I will tell u after I have sat it .... if I remember ... sitting here I recon a B- to a B.  It will be interesting to see how these pan out to reality ... and lecturers, if you read this, I would love higher!!!.

So what are you thinking? What am I thinking?  Well I am tired ... so I guess that means I have had to use my brain in the exam - so that's good.  I need to  decide what I will do next year soonish ....

7 November
Wahooooooo ..... last exam today .....now the time to wait for the results - early December I believe.

Well, after the exams I went into town and met Alison and Wayne, Sam and Alan and eeerrr Jonny .... sorry forgot ur name for a sec.  Alison is Dannii on ICQ and MSN and BlueRose on Firetalk and Alan is Iti Aroha on firetalk and MSN. Was also going to be going to the pub with some class mates ... but went with Alison etc. instead.

Well Alan, Sam and I went to the meredin then had a coffee and then hope ... was good to catch up with them.

8 November
As I type this I am speaking with Sunflower ... I guess you are wondering who the hell she is ... will go and click on the link and have a looksee.

I did very little today ... just work up late, lay in bed .... killed some weeds and ymmm walked to the shop.  I will be signing up for graduation tomorrow or the next day.  Was the USA elections today (NZ time). Seems Bush has narrowly won.

16th November
Well this past few days have gone quickly ... and so much has happened ... not a lot worth typing though.  My relationship with Sunflower is developing, progressing and forming.  I am enjoying this .. almost as much as I am enjoying her :)  I am trying my best not to move to fast or to become clingy - and be willing to face the reality and difficulties of internet relationships.

Those who know me will know my problems meeting large groups of people socially and the emotional rollercoster ride I had with a recent going and then not-going to a firetalk party.  Well, this weekend there is one in Oamaru, I have my bus tickets, a place to stay and intend to enjoy myself (not to much though Sunny ). If I had any hair I'd be letting that down.

What else, well I am really enjoying the American political situation as it develops and unravels.  I thing even with the presidential situation is solved, there will still be concerns and troubles a head.  Should be a fun 4 years ahead.

What else ... hmmm well the 29th of December is getting closer :)

22nd November
Well yes, I did get back from the party on Sun 19th ... but I am having to think very carefully what I write. Believe me, even some things are to personal for me to write here. And NO - it was nothing like inappropriate behaviour - but I will give it a go and tell you what happened.

OK, the bus left at 12:40am on Saturday.  At 12:30 I was about to clime on a bus to return home - I was feeling so shit scared of meeting all these people ....well I got on the bus and stayed at Blueroses/Dannii's - and got there just after 2pm I guess.  Unpacked and had a good chat, went online looking for Sunny. She also rang me - thank you sweetie.  Well around 7:30 we left t to go to Oamaru and got to the place.

Well we got there ... and walked into the room. From memory the 1st people there were eeerrr pass - I always forget names and nick names. anyways - then it happened.  What you say ... well 2 things - 1. More people came and my phobia of meeting people hit the ceiling. So I went and chatted to some ppl I knew in real life.

The 2nd thing to happen is what I have to be careful with.  Ummm ...... a very close friend, whom I have not seen for some 6 months came in.  I will not say much more but lets say I found it very hard to cope ... my problem not hers.  Not a sense of anger ... more like ummm ... hard to explain.  Well I took Sunny's bear and huggled that :)

Well we sang karaoki most of the night - yes, even I sung - no comment here Rebecca Louise Greet!!!.  Yes, I had fun ... I met some people I have chatted to online ... and managed to get the courage to talk to them.  Yes, for those who do not know he u will think this is stupid - but I am very introverted,

Well, we left around midnight and I guess I went to bed around 1 am.  With so many issues going around in my head, I got little sleep. But I got up around 9 and just after midday we went to a bbq.  Again, the feeling of being with people I did not know to well hit me .... not as bad as the previous few days, the the reality I was going to be meeting this other person again.

I do not want to say to much, more for her sake than mine.  Also for my present gf.  No ... I am not in love with this person - but I love her as a very good friend.  I guess I was feeling she was ignoring me and this hurt ... since we have had a good chat and I realize she isn't.

To my gf ... I care for you deeply ... I love our phone calls, I am so looking forward to our meeting in December.  You have been the most precious person to me since we started talking, and you are the only one I am in-love with.

I really enjoyed my time at the firetalk party, although I am still emotionally drained - mainly due to meeting these people.  To one person there, who prob will not read this (and not the person I have already mentioned) stop telling my gf shit about what others think about me ... if you have a problem say you do ... not the rest.  And if you have the guts come and talk to me ....

25 November

You've Got a Friend

When you're down and troubled, and you need a helping hand
and nothing, whoa nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me, and soon I will be there
to brighten up even your darkest nights.

You just call out my name, and you know wherever I am
I'll come running, to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall, all you have to do is call
and I'll be there, Yes, I will. You've got a friend.

If the sky above you, should turn dark and full of clouds
and that old north wind should begin to blow
Keep your head together and call my name out loud
and soon I will be knocking upon your door.

You just call out my name and you know where ever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer or fall, all you got to do is call,
and I'll be there, yes I will.

Hey, ain't it good to know that you've got a friend?
People can be so cold. They'll hurt you and desert you.
Well they'll take your soul if you let them.
Oh yeah, but don't you let them.

You just call out my name and you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Winter spring summer or fall,
Hey now, all you've got to do is call.
 I'll be there, yes I will.
You've got a friend., You've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend.
You've got a friend.

27 November
Well, I wonder who reads this?  Some bloody nosy author I know - Hope you enjoy reading my website Karam!!!

Anyway, something a lot more pleasant. I have two  pictures to share with you all. They needs no introduction.

Well today I sent Sunflower some Sunflowers (accompanied with some other delightful items).  You can also see crunchie waiting for her's to be delivered. Needless to say, she is still waiting.

Well as I type this I am speaking to Sunflower. What shall I say about her?  Well a month today I am meeting her in Christchurch and after two days of bliss we will travel down to Dunedin.  Then, we  will go for a trip to Invercargill, and inland to Queenstown, Arowtown and beyond.

Most of the day has been spent online talk to guess who? Well if you can not figure it out by know there is not point me telling you as u are to thick to comprehend the basic necessities of life. In other words I would be surprised that you have enough brain power to keep your heart beating.

28 November
I am in one of those moods today where I will just type and type until my fingers are sore. I do not feel like going into chat at the moment ... guess nervous energy waiting for my exam results.  Who knows.

As I said yesterday, I have no idea who reads what I write here. I know some friends do ... and I once received a email from someone I did not know who did or does.  Well, whoever reads this feel most welcome to scare this part of my life.  I feel so privilege that you spend some of your precious time reading about me.

On occasions I am told that what I write here is embarrassingly personal.  Well I do not make any apologies for that ... this is my one and only journal.  Maybe it shows how introverted I am ... one of my few outlets to express my feelings ... my pains and joys.

I am also sorry if I have hurt people's feelings, but I write what I think and feel ... and sometime it is rather raw.  This is especially so when I am trying to work through issues.  Sometimes you need to wait months till I have worked through it and come out the other end somewhere.  Also, sometimes I cannot find exactly the word I want. But I keep trying.

So, what about me today .. and at the moment.  Well, I went back and reflected where I am and where I was earlier this year. In fact, I added a song to one of my earlier entries as I at last found the words I was looking to express.

I was tidying up my room and discovered correspondence from a close friend, with a picture her Son did for me.  I reread her letters and emails.  And for the 1st time I read them as fond memories .... precious treasures ..... I did not feel the paid of daggers or past possibilities.

Well my focus needs to be looking ahead ... with a possible life with a new fantastic person, who in the two months I have known her, has taught me so long.

Damm ... more bills - phone is over $160 - ouch ... but I need to check that as they seem to have doubled up on some charges.

Anyway, where was I. That's right talking about this wonderful new person who has entered my life, must have gone through 2 weeks of hell with me recently, and yet still loves me.  Hell?  Well heard people talking about the Bain book, and then my emotional struggles after the party ... and other crap one person has been spreading to me.

Well I guess I can ring for my results tomorrow sometime. I know that they are on the deparmental noticeboard ... but I am not that keen to see them.  I would rather cry in my bedroom.  Even if they are tears of surprise and joy and not sadness and dispear.  It is just I have the feeling that once I start the walls of hell will be unable to hold them back.

I cannot remember if I have already mentioned it or not, but I have had for a week the pictures of the Oamaru party .. and they look - well interesting.  I was saying to someone the other day - it is amasing what a person can do with computer technology.  With a bit of pratice, I could have some fun.

I have been starting to feel a lot better at the moment.  In fact, recently, I have found firetalk chatrooms fun again. Yes, this says more about my mood that the people there.  It seems that the best time to go in is after 10pm, although Sunday afternoon was a load of fun.

Well, enough typing for now.  I might come back later today and type some more, or you might need to wait another three months!!!

29 November
Well I poped into town and got my prelim. exam results.  Not bad I guess.  I got (with what I had previously guessed in brackets). 214: A+ 91%(B) ; 316:C+ 64%(C) ; 318:B- 69%(C); 319:A- 81% (B)

Well, as you can see, my guesses were lower than I actually received, so I am reasonably happy.  Although for 2 papers I am 1% off a higher grade.

I just found this off a web site.  As it has "Author unknown" I take it they copied it off someone else, so will not mind me doing the same thing.

30 November

well it is the last day of the month and I am still on a high from my exam marks. I hope so much that they are correct (unless I gain a few marks here and there!!!.  Well I am sort of in a writing mood today ... but i will see how I go with things.

28 days today I meet Sunflower, and I am nurvice ...lol.  No idea why as we speak for over 3 hours each night on the phone.

Well time for a coffee and to check the post ... will be back asap.

Well back, have mum trying to organise my graduation for me - inviting people to come - lol. Typical ... but as they say - graduations are for the parents and not the person graduating. Guess kind of like a wedding aye.