I have noticed that I have written nothing since April 5th, and that was only one line.  I guess it is about time I started to write again, and more often.  No promises, but I will try.

Part of my reason for not writing over the last month is i am waiting for a lot of 'loose ends' to be tied.  This is still to happen!!!.

I guess it would be helpful if I briefly summaries what I have been doing since March 28th - a kind of historical overview if you like.

March 31 ~ April 2  Over these days I was staying with a friend in Christchurch .... friend.  Well actually at this time it was more than friends, and within a few weeks we were speaking of me moving up and having a kid or two.  Well as you will see ... this quickly changed.

April 3. After my return to Dunedin I realized several things, one being I was not coping at all with life in general.  After a trip to the doc's, and some medication, which I am still on, things started to improve.  In fact, I managed to do three assignments in the last 2 weeks.

I have come to the conclusion that i need to cut down my non- university stuff so I have decided to leave all Church committees and stuff.  This will save many hours a month.

I am unsure what to write.  I have just come back from a challenging week in Christchurch.  Challenging as I am having to go from lover to friends - a transition I am finding difficult to make.  On the whole I am not enjoying university ... but I will wait till after my finals before I make any final decisions.  I was looking at moving to Christchurch as they are willing to put me into their post. grad course and their degrees seem  to be more particle.  his will mean I have to wait till next year as their post. grad course is a year one and not semerserised.

I am having a meeting with my lawyer with regards to any civil action sometime this week ... so I should have some news soonish.  I am still waiting to get the dates for the civil case against Karam. So life should start to get more interesting soon.

Family wise, I have not spoken to any. Well, apart from Be and Mum.  even when I was in Christchurch I decided not to ring.  On my 1st trip I paid my respects to Gran.  she was interned and the family decided to only tell me the date when I asked. And then, it was when I returned to uni.

Enough for now - I better put this onto the server. Oh, I have added some new pic's and got some today to add.  Did I tell u I got a scanner and printer??  Have a look at my guest book - and fill it in.  Interesting comments!!! Well, plz look and leave a message - although the comments I was referring to have been removed.

I am finding writing anything extremely hard - I feel that my heart and soul have been torn out and trampled upon.  In fact, maybe what I am going to write is to personal and should not be here in the first place .... But when I started this journal I decided to be honest and I guess I have to continue.

Well ... where to start ... the beginning I guess.  In March on Firetalk I became drawn towards a woman, around my age.  I say drawn as I had others hitting on me ... and on the whole I have never spoken to this person before.  After a day or two ... she gave me her phone number and for over a month we would ring each other daily, often speaking for over 3-4 hours a day ... as well as speaking on-line.

I leant, should I now believe her, that she hardly gave people her phone number, and that she had a private one.   Well after a relatively short time I went to her place for the weekend to see if anything might develop - she lives 5-6 hours away from Dunedin.

Well I was meant to go up as a friend, expecting separate bedrooms etc.  I guess we had only been in the house 30 minutes before we hit the bed .... and lets say - it was a fun but exhausting weekend.

My reaction at this time, and before, was I had found my soul mate ... we seemed to get on so well, and understand each other ... I felt we did not need to say anything and yet were communicating.

Well soon after my return ... maybe a week or two I started receiving email starting that she was moving to quickly and wanted to slow down.  Later they became that she wanted to just be friends.  I  found this hard to deal with, and still do ... but as I was holding tickets in my hand to see her in about a week I decided to go up and see what was happening.

I went up on the Monday and yep - the bed thing happened again ... from Tuesday night I was in the spare bed, but we did a lot of hand holding, cuddling, kissing and sharing tears through that week.  For some reason I felt something was wrong.  People seemed to be whispering and saying things that both made me feel uncomfortable or had to be explained away ... not very convincingly.

Anyway, last night this person was honest.  She went to a party the Sat b4 I came up - I came less than 24 hours later. According to her, she got drunk and slept with someone that night.

Maybe I am old fashion, but I would have thought that this is the most disrespecting thing you can do.  It seems that she sees nothing wrong having sex without a relationship ..... As I said I feel that my heart and soul have been torn out from my mind.  Part of me never wants to talk to this person again yet part of me still loves her.  I am so lost and confused.
 

Back ......

well the person concerned has read this and agrees - to quote her "i just read your journal.........most of what you say is true.......i can't deny that...but the sex/no relationship thing...most open minded people would agree that it is possible to have sex without a committed relationship......your beliefs are different in that respect i guess....".

Am I old fashion .... or strange when I think when one is committed to someone and having sex that you don't go and have sex with other guys at the same time.  Yes, I say Guys as it seems it was not just a one off situation with one guy.   As I said to her, "depends how one defines open-minded people .... maybe ones with out values ... yes, I can see one can have sex without a relationship - but not with different ppl at the same time ....".

I am yet to decide if I will say her name, I'll think about that.  The problem is ... I still love her a lot.  I personally believe she has feelings for me, but is to frightened to admit it and by these constant indiscretions she is hoping I will dump her.  Maybe wrong ... but that is what it seems.

Back again ....... I have not typed something this long for ages.  So where am I.  Well I still love this person heaps and I guess I'd rather be good friends than bad lovers - seems I have said that loads of times already.  She is a damn nice person - and ppl who know who I am talking about please remember that. Yes, I would love to hit her with a wet fish and I wish it was like the movies and she would run into my arms - but I can't see that happening.

I went to bed at 3:30am today and got up at 6:40am.  I woke up to pain ... as if my body had been torn into two.... and over a hour later I am still suffering.  It hurts so bad, and at the moment there seems so little I can do to solve it.  Why does love hurt so much ... yes, I remember those songs I wrote a few months ago ... but this pain is worse ....  After all, we were just friends - weren't we?  All I was intending to do was to go and visit a new friend in Christchurch ... not emotion at all.  If so, why does it hurt so much?

What can I do and where do I go from here?  I hear what she says - yet for some reason I think the words are different to the heart - or am I just chasing bubbles?  For some reason I am expecting a shocking announcement from her soon ..... unfortunately my hunches have been coming true recently.

Well I have to stay awake at uni. and then get to do a load of more work when I get home ..... Oh God it hurts.

God it still hurts.  Why?  If it was only friendship why does it hurt so much? Will it ever get better?  I can't see it - it just hurts so much.

I guess I could still use yesterdays date. Although it is 6:25am on the 17th, I am still to get to bed.  I have done some uni. work, some chatting ... but I have to much pain to sleep.  I do not want to wake up crying again.  I have been told I will get through this, and I guess I will.  I guess the question is: can I trust people gain?  I don't know.

Look, I am not blaming the person concern and I hope one  day soon I will be able to love her again (agape). She did send me email that I either  chose not to believe, were unable to or the signals were mixed.  Guess sleeping together on the 1st night back wasn't a good idea .... although I guess I still wish I had on the last night ... or would that just make the pain harder??

How can people not have emotional attachment to a sexual partner?  To me this seems a psychotic illness .... I know I can't sleep with someone one day ... another a day or two later. Well, I have never tried to or thought of trying it.  I guess I have a little experience of unfaithful partners and the effect that has on people.  Maybe it is because of what my father did that it effects me so much.

I still have not had the courage to see if my dream is just that ... or reality.  Maybe I am to scared to find out it is true and that she will destroy it.  I could not handle this.  I guess, nop I hope she will tell me and that I don't find something out 2nd hand again.

I guess there is no point going to bed. 6:30am and I have to ring someone up around 8am.

Well 3 days a go I thought I was coping - over the last 40 I can do nothing but cry. God it hurts so much ..... I was even crying during  the church AGM ... bit embarrassing as I was the secretary and at the front table.

A song:

Crying   Roy Orbison

I was all right for a while
I could smile for a while
But I saw you last night
You held my hand so tight as you stopped to say hello
You wished me well
You couldn't tell that I've been crying over you, crying over you
And you said "So long"
Left me standing all alone, alone and crying, crying, crying, crying
It's hard to understand
But the touch of your hand can start me crying

I thought that I was over you
But it's true, so true
I love you even more than I did before
But darling, what can I do?
For you don't love me
And I'll always be crying over you, crying over you
Yes now you're gone
And from this moment on, I'll be crying, crying, crying, crying
Yeah, crying, crying over you

I just feel so bloody useless .... completely inadequate ....

Well it has been a week since I last wrote anything.  I have presented one of my 3 presentation ... went very well, but with such a talented group it would.  I have one to do tomorrow and possibly one on Thursday.

Relationship wise ... well still hurts and I am still dateless ... will be for ages I think.  I miss so much just being able to ring this ChCh person for a casual chat ... but I have to deal with that I guess.  Family wise ... who cares.  Well, not speaking to one half and other is.

I have very little to write ... how am I? well managing to cope with my emotions.  Will soon be a year since Gran died.  So that is effecting me.  I have finals soon .. 3 of them.  What else?  Hmmm ... no idea about the defamation case.  It starts on monday and I have heard nothing - despite being asked to keep these weeks free.  Oh well, guess I will be able to sit the exams with no interruption.  Wish someone would tell me something though.

Well,  to people I do not know and read this - I hope you keep reading.  I still have my sexual probs = actually that was one of the reasons the ChCh person dumped me - She wrote "Sorry I've taken a while to get back to you about your questions. It wasn't anything you did wrong Nick.......and I guess the chemistry on my part wasn't there as much as it initially was. Your sexual performance had little to do with it.....in time you will meet someone and get more experience and find this won't be a problem for you. I hope you are managing to work your way through this Nick.....I hope these may in aprt answer some of your questions."

It might seem funny, but since I read this I have felt a lot calmer .... Guess I wish she had written it a long time ago - or I had asked the right question earlier.

Am I too honest?? Don't know - maybe not honest enough ....... maybe I hide to much ... maybe not - after all I have been sending ppl my nude pic ... I recon I am bloody ugly, but if they ask I don't care.

Well, will try to get online ... and put this on.

Well the last day of the month ... and what an eventful month.  Hmmmm ... Still heard nothing about this court case.  It has been going since Monday and I have not been told when I am needed.  I  take it I am not.  I wish they would have the decency to tell me.

Well I have been feeling good today. Handed in the last group project yesterday - so last week of lectures and exams on the 13th, 15th and 20th.  The cold weathr is meant to be starting soon ... be good to see some snow.

I have been able to have a good talk with the person from ChCh without emotions getting in the way.  I am able to speak as a friend ... yes I still love her deeply ... and who knows what may or may not happen in the futute.  But I believe it is important to be best friends ... some one I can confide  in.  I am having a coffee with someone on Friday ... and yes, another net person. This one lives in Dunedin, and is doing the same Uni. course as I am, although she is a year behind me.  And yes, it is only a coffee and to do some study together.
 

That's What Friends Are For

And I never thought I'd feel this way
And as far as I'm concerned
I'm glad I got the chance to say
That I do believe I love you

And if I should ever go away
Well then close your eyes and try
To feel the way we do today
And then if you can remember

Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Well you came in loving me
And now there's so much more I see
And so by the way I thank you

Oh and then for the times when we're apart
Well then close your eyes and know
The words are coming from my heart
And then if you can remember

© 1985 Arista Records Inc.